Wednesday, August 14, 2013

We are Rebooting with Joe Cross!

This smiley guy and his documentary entitled, Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead is the reason why Big G and I are changing things up a bit in our house.   We've been juicing our breakfast and lunches, but eating a normal dinner.  Our rationale for not fasting entirely according to the Reboot program stems from the fact that 1) we have 7 kids; 2) they will not tolerate us drinking our suppers together; and 3) juicing two out of three meals a day is manageable and quite realistic for us.  Rarely do we hear people characterize us as impulsive, obsessive or looney - an entire fasting system for 30 to 60 days just wasn't even a possibility.  It was too extreme for us and screamed total failure....Keeping it reasonable but healthy will work for us, as going to extremes to replicate healthy eating and nutty eating patterns just won't work.  We would certainly have gotten off to a great start, but we would have flamed out quickly.  So, after carefully watching Joe Cross' documentary,
 we decided, as they say in Australia, "to give it a go!".  Good on us, right?!!

So far, we have had great success.  The juice recipes are excellent and simple.  We feel great.  As an added bonus, I've dropped five lbs, while G has lost double that, if not more already in the last 9 days. 

Stay tuned!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

God loves a good joke.

We have emission inspections here in my home state…For the low, low price of $14, you must appear at an approved emission testing site by a certain date bi-annually and submit your car to a relatively fast, but government mandated, breathalyzer of sorts for the exhaust system. They stick some gizmo to your exhaust pipe and wave a wand over it. Who knows. For all I know, they could be attaching a device to my tailpipe that simultaneously checks the exhaust emission while also filling Mylar birthday balloons for Party City. I have no idea.

At some point during this examination, the inspector will ask you to exit your vehicle so that he can get behind the wheel to view the dashboard lights himself. This is where I start to sweat just a tiny bit and ask God to be cool and be merciful because, and I kid you not, the last two years running my car has failed this exam and it had cost me a bajillion dollars to have some idiot light on the dashboard turned off by my mechanic. And this is the part where we need to discuss my relationship the Lord, Jesus Christ.

God and I have an understanding…I will try to be, and also try to raise my children to be, spiritual, generous and loving human beings so long as He doesn’t perpetually dick with my chi on the big stuff. Being God and all, He is literal. So when I implore Him to not dick with the “big” stuff, He clearly sees the linguistic loophole in that arrangement and thinks, “ok, no big stuff – got it.” But clearly leaves an out for messing with all those little tiny things that, if added up in a straight line and when occurring all at once will spell M-I-S-E-R-Y for me. So far, the big picture of my life is pretty awesome. I’m healthy, happy, know where I am heading and I’m living out my obligation with the kids to help raise them to be productive and really good members of society.

You could even say that I have a symbiotic relationship going with life, God, you name it. All is good….until it’s not. Enter my car. This car has served me extremely well considering it is 12 years old now. As with any (almost) 13year old, it’s not without its hiccups and problems. I can handle that. Big picture – all good…little picture? Well, that’s my Jeep.

God has a really bizarre sense of humor when it comes to this car. I have no idea what the issue is with Him and this Jeep but it serves as a great catalyst it seems for him to mess with my life, all the while still avoiding the “don’t dick with the big stuff” clause of our contract. It’s His very own leverage to remind me that I am just a spec on his radar screen in the great Universe and that at any moment, HE can make the Jeep not go vroom, vroom anymore and hoooweee will it cost me – and how do ya like me now?

Two times in a row, and here is the freaky part, RIGHT BEFORE, as in DAYS BEFORE the emission testing was to be conducted, the dashboard light (relative to the emissions system) – TOTALLY LIT UP and stayed on. The first time it happened, I had no idea what that little movie camera symbol meant and just drove around with it for a week. I discovered quickly, after I was given a failing mark from the inspector, that the little idiot light that looks like a hand held movie camera?, yeah, well it means exhaust system failure. That’s what is should mean according to the owner’s manual. What it really means? Big payoffs for my mechanic, who, quite coincidentally, is one of these Jesus messaging freaks…You know the kind…the business owner who is ultra-religious/Christian and posts these really cute religious quips about God under his business name? Like these:

(Photos courtesy of

My theory is this: just as I am imploring God to be cool and help the car pass this test…my mechanic gets on his prayer bat line and asks for something like more profitability with his shop, whatever, and of course, because he’s always doing his Jesus thing openly and daily with his magnetic business signs, I’m getting bumped down on the prayer line. Way down.  My mechanic (cha-ching, wish granted!) gets moved up in prayer priority and next thing I know, I’m slipping my mechanic a $50 to undo the fuse for the dashboard lights because, baby, we need the cliff notes on this fix to get our get out of jail free card – we need to just pass this test, c’mon! See how this s*** works? It’s mind blowing, right?

But pass we did (eventually). Little details, little details - technically not the big stuff. But here’s the best part (and really, further evidence that God had His hand in all this). After tricking the car not to display the light and passing the inspection, I brought the car back to the mechanic to give it a more in depth look at why that light came on – (both times) he returned the car to me no charge because he could find nothing wrong and had no idea why that light would pop on - especially right before it's big moment.  But I knew why…God. That’s right, God. God was messing with me. I can take a joke. I got it. God had a sense of humor, which manifested itself at precisely the time the car was being inspected. That’s ok..I’m down with a good laugh…Hopefully He was down with me NOT attending mass for the next two weeks…How do you like me now? That’s a whole $2's NOT going into the church collection and which your flock will NOT see. Two can play, baby. Two can play.

Fast forward to this past Monday. My inspection is due by the 19th. At precisely 6pm on the 17th at the corner of 924 and Singer, and I’m telling you…I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried, the f***ing movie camera light came on! I was like “Awww C’MON!!!! Are you f***ing kidding me, God?” I see this thing light up and without hesitation, my fist is pounding the inside roof of my car and I’m using shouty words of exasperation and rage in a one sided conversation with God.

 “Joke is so f***ing over, God! You need new material, God! This shit is so old it went out with 8 Tracks, God! Is this the best you can do? Huh, huh?!!!!! I can’t believe you did the emissions thing again?!! What? No plague to spread today? Getting bored?!!!”

I went so postal. And I looked so ridiculous because it was so obvious no one was in the car with me when I'm just going nuts.  I happened to look to my right at the stop light. Who do I see sitting next to me in the car next to mine with this OMG expression?  Let's just pretend it wasn't an ex-"friend" who always believed I had this huge dramatic temper.  And can we also pretend that this person had not been preparing to turn right or watching this whole thing unfold from the comfort of his car.

I see him and literally stopped mid punch to the roof, quietly returned my hand to my lap, turned my head forward and thought, “OK, now THAT’S funny right there, God. You got me good.”

Post script: the light turned off on the morning of the 17th and the car passed inspection yesterday.   

Friday, September 14, 2012

It’s paying attention to the smaller details that matter in my relationship.

I tried and failed at marriage. As you all know, at the tender age of 22 and 21 respectively, the father of my children and I wed. It was an extravagant wedding. I was an extravagant spoiled brat who knew more about spending without consideration, more about being demanding without any contemplativeness and being selfish to the core than anything else. He shared the same selfishness, immaturity and need to play house as I did. We actually lasted a total of 16 years until the gavel finally hit and we were declared sufficiently irreconcilable and broken enough by the State to dissolve our marriage not exempting, of course, the obligation to remain co-parents to our 3 really sweet kids.

We were both complete assholes at ages 21 and 22. The marriage part of that relationship didn’t seem to alter that facet of our personalities much – gold bands and bath towels rarely do. I would even argue that, for the most part, we showed our greatest resolve to move like normal human beings among society once we started having kids. But of course, that too was fraught with disastrous baggage. I did experience some of my most major epiphanies about myself after having children….I can’t speak for him. Maybe the same? By then I was coming into my 30’s and it was time to grow up, right? But the after math of that time…the ugly fighting, the divorce and the post dissolution time period – that’s when I found out what I was made of, who I was personally and the lengths I would go to get order, peace and real loving relationships back in my life.

Several years have passed since the ending to the most bizarrely written story of my life from 1990 to 2008 was written. I have taken the years since to re-examine, reevaluate and rejuvenate. My perspective, it seems, is crystal clear about people, relationships, my mission in life, and what I’ve learned.

So far, I’ve learned that love does not provide you with a reason to speak to or act toward your loved one however you want. Love keeps you from doing or saying the things that you should never say to someone if you truly loved them. It’s not a license to kill, to insult, or to disparage. If you have that type of love either with your partner or a friend or even a family member – get help. If your partner, your friend or even a family member behaves that way towards you – get help. If you cannot fix the problem with them – you are entitled to move on, and should.

Love causes you to be generous to others with your time, talent and energy. My father used to say to me “In marriage, always be generous, Kris…always be generous”. That 21 year old asshole heard those words at the time they were said, but honestly, I never felt them or realized their meaning until my late 30’s. What he meant was: Love doesn’t keep a perpetual tally sheet for all the good deeds you have done on behalf of your loved one. Love does for the other with open heart. Love is the example that sets the standard for generations to follow. Your children see how callously or delicately you handle love, both toward them, toward your partner, toward your friends and other family members. They learn every day from us about how the world can work, how it can be improved, and all the great things it has to offer. The message is positive if we are positive. Do the little things for each other. Watch how they learn to pass that on.

Now pass it on.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Make room for the Holy Ghost kids...Yeah, that's right. I said it!

My daughter is becoming a teenager this Saturday and her father and I agreed to host a birthday party for her at this teen dance place.  Loosely translated, this means there will be approximately 30 to 40 kids in attendance mostly from her school. More correctly stated, 30 to 40 HORMONALLY challenged kids in attendance mostly from her school and some kids from her after school activities or sports.  We will have 7 to 8 adult chaperones there to insure that no one loses their ever loving mind and attempts anything stupid while dancing the night away.  And when I say stupid, I'm thinking something along the lines of "trying to sneak in contraband, booze, drugs".  I was young once...I remember this age...Although times have changed quite a bit and while my parents greatest problem was worrying that I was secretly slapping on the war paint too heavily and pulling my hair into a side ponytail outside of their supervision - what faces most parents these days ranges anywhere from worrying about their kids taking up drinking, illicit drugging, and now, wait for it......dirty dancing!  And it's not the Patrick Swayze (God rest his soul) type of dirty dancing either.   

Until I started hearing about this "grinding" craze from my own daughter and other moms in stereo, I never paid attention to what kids were doing out on the dance floor.  Who could mess that up?  The kids hear the music, they do their best to keep up with a semi-normal rhythm with their big deal, right?  Wrong.  It's horrific.  From what everyone is saying, girls these days have gotten pretty aggressive sexually and think nothing of performing what looks like a lap dance with their dance partner in the middle of the dance floor.  I'm slightly out of my element here...Actually, I feel really silly now for not believing them when they told me this.  Because, jeez-us already you should see what's on youtube!  What ever happened to good old fashioned, try and sneak the liquor past the parents trick? Filthy animals. 

I found examples here, herehere and here.   And, can I just say um, hell no.  This will not be happening at this birthday party.  The holy ghost better make a serious appearance at all times between two bodies on the dance floor before I make a serious appearance in somebody's face.  I assure you, parents will be called to pick up their stripper/playah child immediately if this s**t lets loose.  Oh, hell no.  Hell no. 

Thursday, September 06, 2012

Things on my mind.

1. My kids, Big G, his kiddies, my family and parties galore over the next 2 months!!!!!  Getting to see family!

2. A high interest rate credit card that has managed to escape scrutiny from me until now.  Getting rid of it.  As a matter of fact, I am closing all my favorite store credit cards too and going down to just one Visa  that I will carry with me in case of emergencies.  For everything else, cash. Dear God...this is going to be painful.  But private high school tuition may be fast approaching and it's time to get this s**t in order.

3.  The value of my house dropping by over $47,000 within the last 3 years.

4. Having to purchase a new (you say "new" I mean "just off lease") car in 2013...which is exciting and daunting all at the same time.

4. Selling my house.  May need to be sold via short sale since it will appraise way under what I owe on the mortgage.  Up yours recession.

5. New career.  Can it be done?

6.  Making more money. No, strike that, being so radically successful that money isn't even a concern anymore.

7.  Staying healthy.

8.  Staying true to my goals.

9.  Being a good person and not trying to flip everyone the bird every time I get behind the wheel, because, let's face it, everyone knows you suck as a driver and I'm just helping you figure that out faster.

10.  Creating good habits like not swearing like a sailor whilst entering church; staying away from sugar; forgiving myself for being human and a total ass at times and finally accepting my aging, sagging, ab-workout resistant gut when I am naked. 

That's it so far.  Oh!

11.  The Election.  Try to ruin it as much as possible for both candidates.